Chapter 226 — The Crossroads

Was it hard?

It was hard.

But what was such hardship compared to the agony of being estranged from one's own flesh and blood?

As Dou Yan recalled the countless scenes of her past life, a flicker of bewilderment crossed her eyes—yet what lay beneath it was mostly bitterness.

After this parting, she and Song Yan might never have the chance to meet again.

Some things were better spoken plainly.

She did not wish to leave Song Yan with regret or pain.

Just as she herself had once suffered—separated from her mother by life and death, with no way to learn the truth of those years, she had found herself endlessly speculating about her mother's death, endlessly wondering whether it had anything to do with her. If she let Song Yan leave like this, then in all the years to come, whenever he thought of this matter, he would surely brood over the cause and effect, just as she once had.

She asked Song Yan, "You began training in the martial arts as a small child—did you find it hard?"

Song Yan was a little surprised. He thought it over, then answered with utter sincerity, "I never found it hard."

"But we watched you train through the coldest days of winter and the hottest days of summer, and to us it looked hard." Dou Yan pressed on. "Why did you not find it hard?"

Song Yan pondered. "Perhaps because I believed that 'a foot of toil, a foot of harvest'—so I did not find it hard."

"You began managing Yizhi Hall at a tender age—did you find that hard?"

Song Dan said, "I am the heir of the Yingguo Estate. Managing Yizhi Hall is my duty by right. How could I find it hard?"

Dou Yan said, "Then when you fell out with your esteemed father and yet got the better of him at every turn, you must have felt rather proud of yourself?"

Song Chu was stunned.

Without waiting for his answer, Dou Yan went on, "I have heard from Old Chen that ever since the Lord Defender of the Realm confined the Second Young Master to the upper rooms to study, you have rarely seen him. In your heart—is it hard?"

Song Yan's eyes widened. He seemed lost in thought, and dimly began to grasp what was in her mind.

"That is why I do not find it hard to manage the household." Dou Xin looked at him. "When water comes, earth dams it; when soldiers come, generals meet them. It is all just these same matters, coming and going. Even if a mistake is made, one simply finds a way to remedy it. There is no hardship in playing the game of balance with the people of the Eastern Estate. They are my blood kin—and am I not their blood kin as well? If they honor me by a zhang, I will honor them by three chi. Even if they wrong me, it is but a moment's grief, and the fault lies in my own poor judgment of people." She turned her head and gazed at the dappled shadows of the trees upon the ground. Softly she said, "When I was small, I always felt I had no father, no mother, no brothers or sisters—lonely and desolate. When I grew up, I desperately wished for someone to keep me company, desperately wished that person would treat me kindly even after everyone else had abandoned me. So though I knew clearly that he had this flaw and that, I was still willing to go on with him." Here she smiled faintly at Song Yan. "Besides, I am not without flaws myself. I endure others—and perhaps others endure me. But having someone by one's side is always better than being all alone, is it not?"

She must be speaking of Wei Fan.

Beneath the moonlight, her smile seemed so pale and fragile that it was like a pair of hands clutching tightly at Song Yan's heart, leaving him short of breath.

"But the bond of flesh and blood is different." Dou Yan faltered. "Blood is joined to blood, one breath with another... there is no way to cut it away." Her child's face had blurred in Dou Zhiwei's memory, yet what was engraved upon her heart were the feelings of sorrow and joy that child had given her. "When he hurts, you hurt; when he rejoices, you rejoice. You feel as he feels. No matter where you go, no matter where you may be—so long as you still remember, you can never set it down."

Song Yan was deeply shaken.

Dou Yan—she was afraid!

She was actually afraid of marrying!

What could have made her think this way?

Was it her birth mother's death?

Or was it Dou Zhiwei's marriage by proxy?

Or was it the role the Ji family had played in it all?

He remembered that Dou Yan and Ji Yong had grown up together!

This Dou Yan made his heart ache terribly.

He thought of Chen Yanzhou, Duan Bing, Suxin—those around Dou Yan. Was it for this reason that she kept such a forest of skilled hands about her?

He even thought of his father's heartlessness toward him.

Song Yan seemed to return once more to that freezing night—to that night warm as spring, drowsy and lulling, where closing one's eyes meant the Yellow Springs!

He could not help seizing Dou Zhiwei's hand. "Since you knew that if you were stricken with some foul disease, my father would surely break off the engagement for the sake of appearances—before you had even met me, why did you not use that stratagem?"

Song Hei's expression was very grave, which left Dou Yan somewhat taken aback.

"Is it because you felt that if you entrusted this matter to me, I would surely give you a proper resolution?" Song Yan said, his voice low and intent.

Dou Chiyou nodded.

That was indeed what she had thought.

No one knew Song Yan's abilities better than she.

Since Song Yan had managed, in the space of a few short days, to trick Song Cen into seeking her hand on his behalf, he must surely have a way to let her withdraw unscathed and dissolve the marriage contract.

Dou Zhiwei's answer sent a strange glimmer flashing through Song Yan's eyes.

"Then can you trust me once more, as you did before?" He gazed at Dou Yan earnestly. "You had best marry me! However useless I may be, I can still keep you safe!"

Dou Yan was dumbstruck.

She had laid the matter out this plainly, and Song Yan still wished to marry her?

Naturally, she was not so conceited as to think that Song Yan had taken a fancy to her.

Dou Yan still remembered what sort of women had surrounded Song Yan in her previous life!

In those days he had been a rebel, arrogant and unrestrained, with no elders to check him, and even those women had failed to win his favor and be taken into his household as wives. Never mind that she was a year older than Song Yan; her disposition, weathered by countless storms, had grown rather dull and subdued. Apart from poring over ledgers, managing the household, and tending her crops and flowers, she had no accomplishments to speak of. She could not claim to be witty or charming, nor even gentle and demure, so it was all the more impossible!

The words escaped her before she could stop them: "Why?"

Why?

Song Yan was silent for a moment.

Yes, indeed.

Why, indeed?

Dou Yan's lot was pitiable, yet she was no weak creature bowed by suffering. Quite the opposite: hardship had made her tougher, more decisive, more resolute. What did he have to worry about?

The late-autumn night wind blew past, and the leaves rustled, carrying a chill that seeped into the bone. Yet because Dou Yan was beside him, because there was such a person speaking intimately with him, that bone-deep chill became something he could overlook.

"Didn't you say that having someone at your side is always better than being all alone?" he said with a smile. "Rather than let my father dictate my marriage, I might as well marry you. At least we still have things to say to each other. We may as well keep each other company."

"Ah!" Dou Yan's almond eyes went wide as she thought of the breach between the Song father and son.

For a moment she seemed to see again that Song Yan who, even surrounded by a retinue, wore a forlorn expression and cut a lonely figure.

In truth, how alike their circumstances were.

A faint sorrow stirred in Dou Yan's heart.